I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
