i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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