I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
