just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
