i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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