I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
