you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
