What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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