shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
