nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
