apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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