Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
