Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
