Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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