Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
