I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
