you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
