I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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