Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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