He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
