I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Randomize
