all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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