Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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