she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
