I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
