I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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