True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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