Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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