Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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