Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
