After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
