Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
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