The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
