my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
