I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
