i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
