So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
