last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
