My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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