Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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