Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
