yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
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