So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
That accounts for only three of the penises
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
