i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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