Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
