Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
