I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
