Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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