Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
The power of my boobs compel you
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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