bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
