i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
